


Sherlock!  Give Me Back My Umbrella!

by cdelbridge



Category: Mystrade - Fandom, Sherlock (TV), johnlock - Fandom
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22835167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cdelbridge/pseuds/cdelbridge
Summary: Mycroft leaves his umbrella at Baker St.
Relationships: Johnlock, Mystrade - Relationship
Comments: 125
Kudos: 251
Collections: 221B Spring Has Sprung





	1. Chapter 1

“Sherlock! Your brother thinks he left his umbrella here.” John Watson was standing in the sitting room with his mobile to his ear.

“Tell him I haven’t seen it!” Sherlock called from the bedroom. He heard his husband muttering then footsteps coming towards him.

“Wait, Sherlock! Isn’t that Mycroft’s umbrella?” John was standing in the doorway watching his spouse taking pictures of said item.

“Maybe.” Sherlock moved the umbrella to the bathroom where he tied it to the shower curtain rod like it was being hanged and took another picture.

“What in the hell are you doing?” John sounded both curious and resigned.

“Do keep up John! Mycroft’s umbrella is going on a big adventure. It leads a more exciting life than he does. The British government has to figure out the clues to get it back.” The detective moved to their bedroom window and climbed out.

John poked his head out and watched his spouse climb up to the roof. Sighing, he followed.

“He’s going to know it’s you.” John watched his husband position the umbrella so it looked like it was committing suicide by falling down the chimney. “Will you two ever grow up?”

Sherlock rescued the umbrella then positioned the phone to capture video of himself being attacked by it. “Doubtful. Here, hold me up by my belt.”


	2. Bring The Umbrella John!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have a case.

“John!” 

No answer.

“John Watson-Holmes!”

The bleary-eyed doctor picked up his head and looked at his spouse. “What?”

“Come on!” Sherlock bounced around the bedroom. “Lestrade just called with a case! And it might be a seven!” The detective was beside himself with happiness. “Wake up! I’ve brought you coffee.”

What the good doctor really wanted was to go back to sleep but he knew that wasn’t going to happen. Sitting up, he reached for his cup and tried to focus. “Give me five minutes, okay?”

~~~~~~~

In the cab on their way to the crime scene, the doctor finally noticed his husband was carrying an umbrella. “Is it supposed to rain?”

“No,” Sherlock replied with a smirk. “It’s Mycroft’s. I told you it was going on big adventures.”

“Oh dear god.” John leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

~~~~~~

”The victim was attacked by a left handed person with a sinus infection. His shoes are a size smaller than he needs. You will find him at the Stafford Inn two blocks from here.” Sherlock was flapping around the grisly scene firing off rapid deductions, umbrella tucked under his arm.

“What’s with the brolly?” Lestrade said quietly to John who was watching his husband flap about. “He’s brought it to the last couple crime scenes.”

“I’ve missed a couple of cases for work so I haven’t noticed.” John replied. “But it belongs to his brother and is part of some insane sibling rivalry issue. They make me realize there’s nothing wrong with my relationship with Harry.”

“John Watson!” Sherlock called. “I need your assistance.”

John made his way to his husband while carefully avoiding blood spatter. “What do you need Sherlock?” he asked as he drew near.

The detective turned to him and handed him the umbrella. “Here. Pose with Gertrude near the blood spatter. Be sure to ham it up.” He pulled his phone out of his Belstaff, preparing to take a picture.

”Who’s Gertrude?” John looked around curiously as he took the item from his spouse.

Sherlock rolled his eyes and said, “Mycroft’s umbrella, John. It needed a name and she’s been sending messages to Mycroft asking him to save her. He has ignored her pleas so far.”

”Oh dear god...”. John muttered as he positioned himself with “Gertrude”.


	3. Seriously Sherlock!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John can’t believe his husband sometimes.

“Seriously Sherlock! Why don’t you just give your brother back his umbrella?” John was staring straight ahead as the taxi headed homeward.

”Why should I?” Sherlock was engrossed with his phone but patted the umbrella fondly. “Gertrude has already done more exciting stuff in the last two weeks than my brother has done in his lifetime.”

”I’m afraid to ask what it’s done so far?” John had resigned himself to his husband’s antics.

”Marvelous things John! “She” has posed with a murder victim, lying in a pool of blood, in the hands of a kleptomaniac and has stolen Lestrade’s badge at least twice!” Sherlock grinned happily.

”And you’ve taken pictures of all these?” John asked.

”Yes! An unknown criminal is holding Mycroft’s umbrella for ransom and taking it on adventures while my brother decides whether or not he’s paying.” Sherlock happily typed on his phone. “We need to go to a brothel next!”

”No, we really don’t.” John replied as the cab pulled up to their home. As he paid the driver and joined his husband on the pavement he relented, “ok, I’ll bite. Why do we need to go to a brothel? Complaining about our sex life already?”

Sherlock opened the door and turned to his spouse, “Not for us! We need pictures of Gertrude in compromising positions! Mycroft will be horrified!”

John felt his mouth fall open and stay that way as he followed his spouse inside.

~~~~~~~

“John! I want my umbrella back”

“Oh, hi Mycroft. What are you talking about?”

“My brother has my brolly and keeps taking pictures of it and sending it to me. I know it’s him even though he uses different names. And I’m not paying a ransom!”

“Mycroft...”

“And her name is Elizabeth not Gertrude!”


	4. Where Are We Going?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More pictures...

Sherlock came into the sitting room, “Coming with me John?” The detective was shrugging into his Belstaff and looked quizzically at his husband.

John stood up and reached for his coat. “Of course. Case?” He followed his spouse and the brolly out of the flat and down the stairs.

”You’ll see.” Sherlock smiled as he walked out the door to a waiting cab.

John rolled his eyes and climbed in behind his spouse.

~~~~~~~~~~

John got out of the cab in a seedy part of town and looked around. Sherlock joined him, brolly in tow, and he remarked, “I don’t see Lestrade.”

”That’s because we’re not meeting Lestrade.” Sherlock made his way to the underside of the bridge and the homeless contingent waiting there.

John followed cautiously and tried not to breath through his nose. He really wished he’d brought his gun and silently cursed his spouse for not giving him a heads-up.

Sherlock walked up to the group who gathered around him. Turning to his spouse, he said, “may I present the Baker St Irregulars. They are helping with a task.” The detective handed out a few bills to everyone then handed them the umbrella. “Ok, go for it! I’ll take pictures!”

John just shook his head and moved downwind.

~~~~~~~~

Back in the cab, John turned to his spouse. “I congratulate you for having the forethought to bring air freshener and insecticide for the umbrella.” He watched his spouse put the dripping umbrella in the corner.

“Don’t be ridiculous John! We don’t want varmints following us home. But the pictures are great! Mycroft is going to lose his shit!” Sherlock said happily.

John just shook his head. “I do have a question for you.” Sherlock picked up his head and looked at his spouse. “Why does Mycroft call his umbrella Elizabeth?”

Sherlock started laughing. “Oh god, my brother went through a phase where he tried to figure out his sexual leanings. He developed a crush on the woman who lived across the road from us. Her name was Elizabeth and she was a pastry chef. Turns out it wasn’t her he wanted but her baked goods.” Sherlock continued laughing and John joined him.


	5. Seriously Sherlock?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mycroft rants.

“I want my umbrella back Sherlock! Don’t make me force you.”

”I’d like to see you try!” SH

”Don’t believe I’d do it?”

”No, I don’t believe you’d succeed. And if it did happen, you wouldn’t do it yourself but get some of your goons to do it for you. SH”

”Oh I’d do it myself so I could have the personal satisfaction of throttling you.”

”Oh I’m trembling! Not! Besides, Gertrude is having a good time. She did get arrested and spent that night in jail but she tends to get rowdy when she parties. Ready to pay the ransom yet? SH”

“Her name is Elizabeth and I need her back now!”

”Can’t masterbate without her? SH

”Give me my god-damned umbrella Sherlock!”

”Pay the ransom Cake Boy! SH”

”This isn’t over Sherlock!”

”Oh. I’m trembling! SH”

Sherlock put down the phone and smiled in delight. Picking up the umbrella, he said, “have you ever been to the zoo Gertrude....”


	6. Please John!  I Need Sex!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lestrade gets in on the fun

“John! Lestrade. Please, for the love of god, get Sherlock to give back Mycroft’s umbrella!”

“What? Has Mycroft resorted to getting Scotland Yard involved? I thought for sure he’d bring in the S.A.S.”

“Oh, um, yeah. Well, I guess it’s because I know Sherlock.”

“Greg, what aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing. Everything is fine.”

“Greg, you can’t lie at the best of times and you can’t even lie over text message. What’s up?”

“John, ok, I’ll tell you but you can’t tell Sherlock. Promise?”

“Um, sure Greg. What’s going on?”

“I’ve been seeing Mycroft for awhile now and the issue with Sherlock is playing havoc with my sex life.”

“Excuse me? What???”

“You heard me. The only reason Sherlock hasn’t found out is because he hasn’t seen much of his brother lately.”

“I don’t even know what to say. Seriously? Mycroft?”

“Yes. And John, its great. I think I’m in love.”

“With Mycroft?!?!”

“Gees John! Take a breath! The issue is though, the lack of an umbrella is playing havoc with my sex life.”

“Sex with Mycroft?!?!”

“Oh dear god, I think I’ve broken John. Sherlock will never forgive me.”

“With Mycroft?!?!”

“Ok, meet me for a beer and I’ll fill in the blanks for you. If you bring the brolly, I’ll love you forever.”

“Ok, I’ll try. But seriously, Mycroft???”


	7. Um, Sherlock...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to get Gertrude away from Sherlock?

John walked into the sitting room where his spouse was reclining on the sofa. Gertrude was nowhere to be seen.

“Um, Sherlock,” he couldn’t figure out how to start this. His spouse rolled his head in John’s direction. “I’m going to meet Lestrade for a pint. You don’t mind do you?”

“Not at all John!”, his spouse sat up abruptly. “In fact, I’d like to come with you.” He made for the bedroom. “I’ll be ready in ten.”

John just closed his eyes and shook his head. Greg would not be thrilled.

~~~~~~~~~~~

John had to give Greg credit, when he saw Sherlock following John, the cop gritted his teeth but greeted the detective normally.

Sherlock looked him up and down. “Seriously?” He removed the Belstaff, hung it on a peg and sat down. “I’m glad you two can’t reproduce! Imagine what the offspring would look like.”

“Well that’s rude,” Greg ordered a pitcher with three glasses. “Even for you.”

John mouthed, “sorry” to his friend. Greg just smiled. “I’ll have you know your brother makes me very happy.”

Sherlock crinkled his nose in disgust, “words fail me.” Taking the full glass John handed him, he continued, “Well, they really don’t. Sorry, I’m not done with Gertrude yet, and it appears to be affecting your sex life. Tell my brother to ease up on the suction on your neck though.” He looked Lestrade up and down, “Mycroft just needs to pay the ransom and he can have his umbrella back.”

”What’s the ransom?” Both Lestrade and John asked although John wasn’t sure he really wanted to know.

”Now that would be telling.” Sherlock smirked. “Here John,” he handed his glass over, “the beer seems to be going down easy tonight. Refill me please.”

John rolled his eyes but did as he was asked.

~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock had gone to “empty his bladder” as he so elegantly put it. Lestrade watched him walk away and suggested, “maybe we can get him drunk and take the umbrella back that way?”

John shook his head. “It wouldn’t work, he can outdrink me when he puts his mind to it.” He took a sip of beer and added, “besides, I don’t know where it is.”

”John we have to find it!” Greg put his head on the table. “I have such a case of blue balls, I could explode!”

”I’m at a loss but you try thinking of something.” John replied testily.

Sherlock appeared at that moment. “I got another pitcher while I was up.” He sat down and looked at the cop. “Seriously Gavin, if you drink enough you won’t be able to get it up anyway.”

Taking the glass Sherlock held out to him, Greg replied, “some days I really don’t like you.”


	8. Mycroft Has Had Enough!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tipping point has occurred!

“My brother has lost his little mind!” Mycroft grumbled to his dinner companion, Gregory Lestrade. “He took Elizabeth to the zoo and “accidentally” dropped her into the gorilla enclosure! He then took pictures!” He held up his phone so Greg could see. The cop felt his eyebrows raise.

“Um, wow. I didn’t know gorillas could do that.” Seeing Mycroft’s face pucker up, he hastily added, “so what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. Reason hasn’t worked.” Greg snorted, Mycroft smiled. “Yes, I’m aware that reason and Sherlock are not mutually synonymous but enough is enough.”

Lestrade didn’t like the fiendish look in his boyfriend’s eye, “I tried to enlist John’s aid but Sherlock managed to circumvent that. Maybe you could buy another”. At the look of horror on his lover’s face, he added, “with the intent that if he sees it doesn’t bother you, he’ll stop.” Honestly, the brothers acted like four year olds!

Mycroft mused, “how about saturation bombing?”

“Wouldn’t work! You’d just destroy Elizabeth.” Greg tried reason to a totally unreasonable situation.

Mycroft perked up, “Gregory, you’re a genius!” He smiled in delight. “My brother will rue the day he decided to fuck with me! Bring it on Clue Boy!”

Greg rolled his eyes and took another bite. Let it not be said that he didn’t try.

~~~~~~~~

“Sherlock, your brother is going to kill you. What possessed you to toss Gertrude into the gorilla enclosure?” John was pacing their sitting room and ranting. “You two act like four year olds!”

“Do not!” The detective sat with his arms crossed over his chest. Even he smirked a little at the comment. “Look, Mycroft hasn’t had so much excitement in his life since the local bakery flooded and they handed out free samples to get rid of their stock.”

“What do you think he’ll do?”

“I have several ideas!” Sherlock leaned back in his chair and smiled. “Bring it on Cake Boy!”

John sighed, never let it be said that he didn’t try.


	9. WTF!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mycroft overreacts.

Dinner was over and our boys were lying together on the sofa waiting for John’s favorite program to come on when all hell broke lose. All the windows in the flat suddenly exploded inward followed by armed soldiers. The soldiers were very professional, moving swiftly throughout the flat while two others herded John and Sherlock together by the fireplace with their hands over their heads.

“Clear!”, they heard from various corners of the flat. The man in charge came in looking cranky, “where is she?”

”Where is who?” Sherlock managed to look down his nose while armed soldiers tossed their flat and two others had their weapons pointing right at them.

”Where is one Elizabeth Holmes?”, the captain added. “We received word that she was being held hostage here.”

”No one here but us. You might want to point out to my brother that he’s lost his fucking mind!” Sherlock replied forcibly. “Elizabeth Holmes doesn’t exist! She’s Mycroft’s umbrella!”

”I’ll ask you one more time, where’s Elizabeth Holmes?” The Captain got closer to our detective who didn’t flinch. “Kidnapping is a very serious crime. Don’t make me beat it out of you.”

Our dear doctor had managed to pick his jaw up off the floor by this time and leaped to his husband’s defense. “Captain! I am Captain John Watson of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers! My husband and I have kidnapped no one. Just a practical joke between brothers that got out of hand.”

”Prove it,” the soldier sneered at John.

”I will if you let me get my husband’s phone out of his pocket.” John said with some venom. 

Not trusting John, the soldier snatched Sherlock’s phone from his breast pocket and handed it to the doctor.

”Can you quit pointing the guns at us?” The captain nodded to his men. John pulled up the first Gertrude pictures and began to explain.


	10. Over The River And Through The Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is still pissed

Sherlock drove as John sat next to him fuming. He was glaring out the side window and periodically would continue ranting about the recent events.

”Your fucking brother!”, he repeated for the umteenth time. “Talk about over reacting! What a bloody fucking arsehole!”

”He’s just lucky Mrs Hudson is on vacation. If she’d been home, he’d be minus some testicles.” He continued driving and thinking. “It’s just a good thing we were able to find someone to fix the windows! And I gave Mycroft’s card number which is only right.”

John had to agree. “Where are we going?”

”Mycroft’s house. I can’t believe he called in the fucking S.A.S.! It’s an umbrella for God’s sake. Now if it was a Belstaff I’d understand.” Sherlock said pointedly. “I didn’t even get around to sending the pictures from the brothel! He really would have lost it then!”

John just rolled his eyes. “Wait, did you bring Gertrude?” John poked his head over the seat to see if she was there. He spied her on the backseat. “After all that you’re just going to give her back?”

Sherlock smirked, “oh he still needs to dance a little but he’ll get it back. It’s become dull instead of entertaining. And I found out the reason he’s been so freaked out.”

”What? Why?” John looked interested.

”Not going to spoil it. You’ll see shortly.” 

John just gritted his teeth and went back to staring out the window.


	11. Thy Name Is Holmes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holmes insanity

Mycroft’s house was a prissy as he was. Sherlock pulled into a space near his brother’s big black car and killed the engine. He turned to update John on what their game plan was when a door opened and Mycroft rushed out. He appeared to have been cooking as he was wearing an apron over top of his work clothes. Lestrade appeared right behind him.

Rushing straight for his brother’s side of the car, Mycroft yanked the car door open and pulled Sherlock out. He aimed a blow to Sherlock’s face which the detective easily dodged. Putting up his fists to guard his face, the detective started dancing around his brother. Mycroft did the same. Periodically one Holmes would land a blow but mostly they danced around and yelled at each other.

John had joined Lestrade and they were watching their particular Holmes brother and trying not to wince (not at the physical fighting mind you but more at the verbal kind). Occasional grunts and words could be heard. “You fucking moron, the S.A.S.? Seriously?” “If you weren’t such an overgrown child, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.” “Wait until I tell Mummy what a fucking idiot she raised!” Mycroft tripped over his apron string and they both went down.

Lestrade looked at John, “it’s a damn good thing the sex is so exquisite.” He turned back to the brothers. “What does it say about us that we love them so?”

“Nothing good,” John replied as Mycroft sat on his younger brother and began pulling his hair. “Ok, this is just stupid. You grab yours and I’ll grab mine?” At a nod from Greg, they waded into the fray.

A bloody lip (John) and a black eye (Greg) later, everyone was standing in the kitchen while the brother’s glared at each other. John stood between them and sternly said, “talk! Or I swear to God I will throttle both of you.”

Mycroft said fiercely, “you took my umbrella. You took Elizabeth and let animals do things to her!”

“Oh I’m sure she enjoyed it!” Sherlock smirked as Greg restrained his boyfriend. “Do you want her back?”

Mycroft glared fiercely as he said, “you know I do!”

Sherlock tossed Mycroft the keys, “she’s in the backseat.”

The British government caught them, mouthed, “I hate you” and ran out the door. He was back momentarily holding Elizabeth/Gertrude in his arms. “She’s missing something!”, he yelled at his brother.

Sherlock, mussed hair, bloody nose and all, leaned against the fireplace smirking. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a box and held it up. “You mean this.”

“Yes!” He raced forward and grabbed the box off his brother. Opening it up, he said, “oh thank god it’s still here!”

Greg and John has fallen silent at the sight of the box. Greg gulped and said, “Mycroft?”

Mycroft looked a tad dazed himself and just stood there staring at Greg. 

“Oh Christ! I thought John was bad but you two are ridiculous!” Sherlock rolled his eyes and turned to Greg. “Lestrade, will you marry my idiotic brother?”"


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the end is upon us...

“I now pronounce you Mr Holmes-Lestrade and Mr Lestrade-Holmes.”

The applause was deafening, as one man who had never bothered with love and one who’d given up finding it, celebrated their marriage. 

John, standing with Lestrade, smiled happily. His spouse, Sherlock, who was standing with his brother, did a prolonged eye roll during the kiss. Of course.

There was dancing and such lunacy afterwards. Mycroft was stunned into tears by Greg taking his hand and leading him to the dance floor (Sherlock had spent two weeks teaching Lestrade to dance). Sherlock and John joined them on the floor for the next dance (Sherlock, of course, had taught John how to dance as well) followed closely by their parents (in case you’re curious, Timothy Holmes has taught both his sons how to move it on the floor).

The party went on and on until finally, the grooms reappeared in their more everyday clothes. Mycroft thanked everyone for coming and asked them to stay as long as they liked but he and Greg (they smiled warmly at each other) were leaving for their honeymoon. More applause.

John, standing with his husband, said, “what are you smirking about?”

“I decorated Mycroft’s car.” The detective had a broad smile on his face. “He won’t have time to clean it if he wants to make his flight.”

John felt his mouth fall open, “what did you do?”

~~~~~~~~~

Mycroft and Greg held hands as they happily moved towards their parked car. As soon as they got within sight, their pace slowed until finally they were at a standstill. 

Greg said, “What the fuck?”

Mycroft closed his eyes and counted to ten, in several languages. Opening his eyes, he just said, “Sherlock.”

Mycroft’s car was covered in umbrella dioramas. Gertrude/Elizabeth at the zoo, the brothel, with the Irregular’s and finally, in the last one, giving birth to baby umbrellas. Greg looked at this last one and remarked, “that looks like it hurts!” And in the spirit of being deliriously happy with the one you’re meant to be with, Mycroft and Greg leaned against each other, laughing hysterically.

**Author's Note:**

> As an FYI, I named the umbrella after my paternal grandmother who I didn’t like. She kinda looked like an umbrella come to think of it....


End file.
